Kimaya Khurana - Week 15 - A Man's Best Friend
Clicks and clacks against the wooden tiles.
Panting to be heard from wherever I am once he wakes up.
Sounds coming from the bone he would so obsessively chew on.
A loud roar can be heard every time he hears the slightest noise outside.
His fur to be seen on my clothes, the tiles, the furniture, everywhere.
I grew up with my dog from when I was around 1 to 2 years old. And I lost him 12 years later. He was the only major part of my childhood, the only one by my side throughout that entire duration.
Whenever I needed a good cry, he would be there.
Whenever I wanted to treat him like a horse and sit on him, he would let me.
Whether I wanted to hug him when he was sleeping, sleep right next to him on the floor, kiss him all over his face, he never once laid a paw on me.
Eventually, over time, he was diagnosed with a medical condition that didn't have a cure. And after a long 2 years of trying to help him digest his food by holding him up, hearing his coughs every night, seeing his vomit on the floor, I eventually lost my childhood best friend.
Grief is honestly a funny thing because for the initial few days, I didn’t cry. I think seeing my dad sobbing on the couch was when it really hit me, especially after not seeing him once cry in my entire life. My dad, one of the strongest people I know, was completely broken down by the biggest source of happiness in our lives, which is a moment I can never forget.
I realized that I wouldn't see him wherever I went.
I wouldn't come home from school to him greeting me the moment I opened the door.
I wouldn't see him doing “zoomies” whenever he wanted to for a walk.
I wouldn't see his tail go up whenever he saw any other animal.
I would never feel his tongue against my face.
His warm breath when I would snuggle against him.
His soft body which I would never feel again.
And these constant things that I wouldn't experience again still carry on with me today. It's been 3 years since I lost him, and it's definitely gotten easier, but that pain isn't something that can go away. I don't think it can ever truly go away, really.
It helped influence the person I am today, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I love you, Buddy.
The photo of Buddy you included is adorable! There really is nothing quite like the bond between a kid and their dog, if books and movies are to be believed. Oh, how cruel nature is for making dogs have such short lifespans when compared to humans…all pets, for that matter. I haven’t lost a pet yet aside from goldfish (and knock on wood that I won’t for a good long while yet), but I can imagine the pain that comes from having a longtime companion disappear from your life like that. When a friend of mine lost his dog over the summer, he walked all the way to my house; he said he did not want to be at home, because that meant being in a house with someone integral to it missing forever. The dog bowls were still by the door, and light golden retriever fur was still all over the couch. How does one keep going after something like that? But that’s just another cruelty of life; it keeps on going regardless.
ReplyDeleteI know there are people who, after their pet passes away, spend a short time grieving before going out and getting another cat or dog of the same breed. I have always wondered, is that a bad thing to do? For both the new pet and the owner’s mental health, I mean. To get a “replacement” like that. I assume it’s a touchy subject so I haven’t asked anyone about it directly, but since you shared your experience losing a pet here, what do you think?
And one last thing, I recently watched this cute animation/music video on YouTube featuring a ghost dog which your blog reminded me of and I figured I could share it with you, it's called Ghost by tayori. Good job on your blog!
I can deeply relate to the death of a childhood animal. When I was extremely young, my grandparents in India owned a dog named Tommy. I used to play with him a lot, and he helped me navigate the depths of our little village when I was a mere seven years old. However, one of our village members apparently didn't like our dog and just poisoned him with food that was left outside their house. He eventually died and like you, truly didn't understand what I had lost. Honestly, going through life, his memories have been in the back of the mind and your post has reemerged them. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteKimaya, while I cannot relate to your blog, I can understand it very well. I also have a dog but I am lucky that my experience with her is ongoing. Regardless, I often think about the time I will have to experience what you describe. The pain is something that I know will be very difficult to deal with. I think about a quote I hear often: “Your dog is your best friend for a part of your life but you are your dog’s best friend for their entire life.” It reminds me how much I should cherish the time I have with her for her sake. Our experiences differ in that I did not get to grow up with my dog. She wasn’t around when I was a child which is something I am sure I would have loved to experience. We don’t realize how integral something is in our lives until we think about our lives without it. The little things gone are what make the biggest difference. The minute details of our lives are what we will miss the most. The part where you describe your dad’s experience with grief really makes me wish time would stop exactly where it is right now. I know that my parents will have an incredibly difficult time grieving Tashi and it is not something I want to see. Regardless, as you state, my time with her is not something I would ever trade. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Kimaya! Your blog was so genuinely moving and well-written. Although I have not personally experienced the loss of a pet myself, as someone who has been dreaming of having a dog ever since I knew what they were, my heart goes out to you. I have always thought of pets as extensions of ourselves, as we are constantly around them, and they are constantly around us. I have usually heard pets, specifically dogs, being described as another member of the family. While I do think that is true, I think they might be even closer than that, as they are always by our side, no matter the circumstance.
ReplyDeleteDespite that inevitable heartbreak that comes with loving anyone, especially a pet, if I am certain of anything in my life, it is that I will be getting a dog in the future. My heart already hurts at the mere idea that my future dog will not be by my side forever, but I know that the pain will have been worth it. I know that, just as you are, I will still be grateful for the time I spent with them, because I would be so grateful for all of the memories and love I was lucky enough to experience. Even though there is understandably a lot of pain in what you describe, it is clear that you cherished Buddy unconditionally and saw him as this beautiful source of love and comfort, which I think is what he saw you as too. The way you describe him and his various mannerisms makes it clear that he was one of your closest companions who has truly impacted you. Thank you so much for sharing.