Tanya | Week 16 | I Love You, Little One

I can’t stop thinking about you lately.

Throughout some of the most trying moments of my life, the memory of you is the only thing that has kept me afloat, that kept me pushing when I wanted literally nothing more than to leave myself alone. 

I still look for you at times. 

And believe me, you are not always easy to find. Bright as your soul may be, sometimes you decide to hide away. 

Or maybe you’re not the one deciding, because now that I think about it, I might be the one pushing you away. It’s not as if I mean to. I treasure you and your opinion over every other part of myself, but I know that it is often not a conscious decision.

When I look at old pictures of you, when I hear your voice, so full of whimsy and love, and when I read fragments of the old journals you wrote in like a lifeline, I still look for you. Fortunately, I am usually able to find you, and so I linger and stare at you in fascination, unable to help myself. 

Would you even recognize me now?

I don’t know. I feel like I would easily recognize you anywhere with your never-ending sense of optimism and those large, curious eyes looking up at me, but I’m not so sure that the feeling is mutual. 

“After all this time, do you still see yourself in me?” you ask.

I want so badly to lie to you. I want so badly to try and ignore you, to try to teach myself to outgrow you, and tell you that you’re wrong and that you’re foolish and that you and I are far from similar, but I cannot, I just simply am not willing to. 

Instead, I decide to show you kindness and love because despite everything that I have tried to be and that I am not, you are the softest and most gentle part of me. You have not done anything to deserve my spite; you have been more than deserving of my tenderness long before I learned how to surrender and show it to myself. Instead, I decide to tell you the truth: “Yes, of course I see myself in you.” 

And how could I not? Who you are and who I am becoming is synonymous, or at the very least, it should be. After all, everything I am and everything I have the potential to be is only because you are the one who dreamed me to be that way. I know that you will forever be a part of me, that you will stay faithfully by my side each and every day, constantly reminding me to breathe and smile, and to love and dream.

When I am in doubt, I try to picture you. I picture where you would be, and then I go and visit you there sometimes. 


Comments

  1. Anshina VermaMay 22, 2026 at 9:50 AM

    Hi Tanya I thought your blog was so sweet, I haven't read something so utterly devotional in quite a while. I can relate to your attachment with your past self I'm always especially since starting high school constantly blinded and affected by nostalgia. Just listening to a song I used to listen to or watching a show I used to at a particular point in time its like entering a time machine and transporting myself 2,3 or even 4 years back in time. I too think about my childhood self sometimes. Would she be proud of me? Would I thank her for the choices I made? I like to think of my future self and how I hope she thanks me for the choices I've made and am in the process of making. What particulary stuck with me was when you mentioned trying to outgrow your childhood self. I resonated with that, I feel like no matter how much you grow no matter how much you achieve at the end of the day, life has a humbling ability to make you feel like your childhood self again. Sometimes in a bad way sometimes in a good way but as of late I've been on the former side of things. I believe psychologists call it your inner child. I do hope you are kind to your inner child Tanya, I hope we all are. Thanks so much for writing!

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  2. Kimaya KhuranaMay 27, 2026 at 9:45 PM

    Hi Tanya! I can completely relate to your blog, especially when you say you still look for your younger self at times. Although I can say that I have the same foundation for the person I used to be, I know that I have completely changed and have gone through things that a younger me would have never even imagined. My younger self has guided me to sometimes make the decisions I do today, as I ask myself at times if she would be proud of me, if she would like the person I am becoming, or if she would just be happy to know where I am in life today. I also immensely relate to when you say that you try to avoid and ignore your past self, and that you try to teach yourself to outgrow her. I can definitely say that I have attempted to do the same. I think that the person I used to be gave her trust out too easily, was very vulnerable, and too optimistic to actually realize what life is about. I think I do need to take it easy on myself, as I will still remain the same person. Only what I show will change.

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